Published in The Prague Post, c. 1999. Text from the author's final draft; the printed version may differ slightly.
It's very difficult!
Common now! How much more difficult can it be than let's say basic math. Millions of Czechs can't add two numbers properly to save their lives but they all have their accusatives down. In fact, Czech isn't nearly as difficult as it may seem at first. It has acquired a sinister aura of complexity but it mostly lies in the attitude. I would rather invite the readers to reexamine how well they really speak their Spanishes and Frenches. How well they can handle the irregular verbs in French or the funky tenses in Spanish. One thing contributes to Czech's reputation for impenetrability. It doesn't take off easily. You have no sooner reached lesson two in your favorite textbook than you have to learn a slew of endings. But by about lesson 6 or 7 things pretty much equal out. Russian has very similar grammar to Czech and a completely different writing system to boot and nobody moans about it to such an extent.
Nobody will speak Czech to me!
Czechs like to think of their language as being difficult and therefore find it hard to believe that anybody can learn it. Because of their limited experience with learners of Czech, they believe that somebody speaks Czech only after they have mastered it to a native-like level. Therefore they will rather try their two words of German on you than try to figure out what you're trying to say in Czech and respond in kind. Invariably, the Czechs motivation to learn your language is greater than your drive to learn Czech. That's why so many foreigners often come the losers in this fight. But if you really need to learn Czech it is possible as many people can attest. Persevere! Keep responding in Czech. You can also try a very low trick. Indicate that your friends' command of the other language isn't very good. Chances are they will be ashamed to speak it any more.
Why can't I find this word in the dictionary?
Well that's because of the flexibility Czech words enjoy as to their form. Not only do the endings change, but sometimes the root of the word changes too. You don't need to go far, there's Praha (Prague) and then there's v Praze (in Prague), or if a Čech (Czech man) meets a friend they become Češi (Czech men). Of course you also find a fair number of exceptions just like in any language such as jít (to go) which was šel if it happened yesterday.
Beware of one more mistake. If a word begins in ch you will not find it anywhere near c. Ch is considered to be one letter in Czech and you will find it snuggled between h and k.
There are no vowels in this language!
There's a joke about a Czech man going to see an optometrist. The optometrist points at the letters p r c h l n k v d on his board and asks the man if he can read them. "Read them?" exclaims the Czech. "I know him."
While perhaps not a real story this tale rings true for any student who's tried to acquire a feature of Czech pronunciation called consonant clusters. It's not that Czech is short on vowels, in fact, there are ten of them. The truth is that the consonants r and l sometimes play at being vowels. Thus you can find as many as five vowels in a row in words such as [zmrzl]{.underline}ina (ice-cream) or even a vowel-less sentence Strč prst skrz krk (Put your finger down your throat). Without r's and l's duplicity that wouldn't be possible. With that in mind anybody can learn to pronounce it.
There has been much hype about the difficulty of Czech vowels such as the infamous ř but the truth of the matter is that the vowels are much more important and by their nature much more difficult to master.
I can't find a good teacher, textbook or a dictionary that works!
Comparatively few people are trying to learn Czech. There may be thousands, maybe even tens of thousands, would-be Czech speakers. However compared with millions trying to embrace English, Spanish or French as their new tongue for better or worse, Czech is a mere moonlet in the constellation of languages. English is without doubt the best researched language, and there are probably as many people writing English language materials as there are students of Czech. Therefore, there are few rewards for a Czech textbook writer and even fewer for makers of dictionaries. There is no single textbook that can be recommended without reservation. Another section compares materials available on the market.
The situation is as dismal if you look at people teaching Czech to foreigners for a living. Mind you there are some dynamite teachers of Czech around. But there is no course a prospective teacher can take (let alone a full degree). Therefore you will find Czech courses taught by graduates of anything from Czech studies to Astrophysics. What it means for you is to insist on a demo lesson even when you want to sign up with a school. No school can provide consistent standards and all depend on individual skills of their teachers. God bless them!